March 30, 2012

  • Seriously, what happened?!?!

    I’m not sure if I’ve written about this before, and I’m kind of lazy to try and search through my old posts, so here goes.

    Lately, I’ve been having many awkward moments of silence (I know it’s only awkward if I make it awkward, but most of the time, I can’t help but feel that way), and it’s happening with literally everyone I come in contact with: a project manager that I’m working with, a fellow co-worker in my group, my best friends, my cousins, and even my parents. I guess it’d be ok if it was just with people I don’t really know, but it happens to the people that I’m the most comfortable with, which is very unsettling. I realize that I am the one that almost always ends up not extending the conversation somehow, like by adding additional remarks or providing any kind of follow-up. I genuinely have nothing to say most of the time. It’s like I’m a conversation roadblock, brick wall, or even black hole. I don’t know about how the people on the other end of it feel, but for me, it feels kinda weird and it does get to me. Every single day, I hear people have conversations about hella random stuff or just about nothing in general, and I think “why can’t I think of stuff to talk about like that? it doesn’t seem too hard.....what the hell’s wrong with me?”

    And if you could believe it, once upon a time, I couldn’t stop talking. Apparently, when I was a kid, I was complete chatterbox (yeah, can you even imagine that?) At school, on my report cards, I always got a check-mark on the box for being “talkative in class” or something to that effect. And when I was out with the parentals, I would talk to random people, like the people behind us in line (at the grocery store) or to the cashier or whoever. My parents didn’t like to tell me stuff, cause they knew I’d just blab it out to whoever. And I remember all of this. But the weird thing is, I don’t remember when I stopped being like that. I can’t even narrow it down to any kind of time frame. I’m not sure if I’m like blocking some kind of traumatic childhood experience that led me to shut the fuck up all of a sudden or something like that. Right now, I’d take any explanation, cause it’s kind of weird not knowing.

    I hope that people don’t mistake my silence for not caring. I wouldn’t be feeling the way I do about this if I didn’t care. I just really, really, really suck at conversing.