So there were these frozen burger patties in the freezer. They were hella stuck together, and the way I usually get them to separate them is to use force: slam them on the kitchen counter. That usually works, but didn’t this time. Plan B is to use gravity: hold it up about chin high and let it drop to the floor. That usually works, but didn’t this time. Plan C is to use leverage: wedge something between the patties and lift. Can you guess what I used as the wedge?
I’ve never had any problems with sharp tools of any kind. I’m pretty cautious around those things, and rightfully so. Sharp things are sharp! But actually, I’ve used a knife to separate frozen burger patties aplenty of times before and never stabbed myself. And every time, I’ll put my left hand behind the stack of frozen patties (imagine at 12 o’clock on a clock) to keep the stack from moving. Then with my right hand, I try to wedge the knife in front (at 6 o’clock). And every time, I catch myself in that position, realize that that’s a horrible place to put my left hand, and then re-position my left hand so that it’s pushing down on stack, away from any danger or accidental stabbage.
Well, this time, I didn’t re-position my hand. I left it at stab-o-clock. It actually didn’t hurt at all, and it didn’t appear to go that deep, but fuck, my left palm was a gushing pool of blood. I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal, that if I applied pressure to stop the bleeding, and then bandage it up, that I’ll be a-okay and not have to go to the emergency room. And it was really bad timing because that day, both Shann & Gabe were done with finals and went back home to Vallejo & Pinole, so I was all by myself.
So take a bunch of napkins and press down on my left left, then bandage it up with a self-stick bandage wrap that I still happened to have when I twisted my ankle (the first time). Then I managed to drive to CVS and buy some gauge, neosporin, medical tape, more bandage wraps, and butterfly closure bandaids. I had to make another trip to a Rite Aid to get more stuff. I thought I had everything covered.
side note:
Driving a stick shift fucking sucks when you can’t use your left hand. I couldn’t grip the steering wheel with my left hand at all, so I had to steer AND shift with the my right hand. Shifting and turning with one hand is damn near impossible, even if you try to use your knees to steer somehow. But yeah, I made it back both times safely.
So I go into work the next morning, left hand all bandaged up. Ever try typing on a keyboard with a cut on your palm or your whole palm bandaged up? Yeah, it doesn’t work. It hurts. Since my palm was bandaged up it was elevated off the keyboard, making me have to reach further to press the keys. And when I applied pressure to my fingers, it went through my palm to the cut, and it hurt. I realized that I really did have to go to the ER to get checked out.
The ER wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. TV shows and movies make ERs look like a clusterfuck of worst-case medical chaos with drama everywhere you look. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I waited for maybe 10 minutes, and left maybe 10 minutes later. No drama what-so-ever. The ER doc tested my hand to see if I hit a tendon or nerve, but luckily I didn’t. Since I used a butterfly closure bandaid and the cut wasn’t that deep and the cut was over 12 hours old and kind of started to heal already, I didn’t need to get stitches. Doc said stitches would actually increase my chances of infection. So they had me just rinse out the cut under running water, and then a nurse applied neosporin and a bandaid, and the doc gave me a prescription for antibiotics as a safety measure. And that’s it. I paid $50 for all that. Pessimist Eric thinks “$50 for a glob of neosporin and a stretchy bandaid??!?! fucking bullshit!.” Optimist Eric thinks “$50 for the peace of mind to go to the hospital without an appointment and be immediately examined by a licensed medical doctor and be assured that there is no tendon or nerve damage to your hand.” I’m all for peace of mind, but fucking a, Pessimist Eric’s got a point.